How about I read you a story? Once upon a time there were three little pigs. I'm emphasising the past tense because they all died. Just like you will. I really like the story.

Oh, there goes another one. They're not inexpensive. I'd just like to point that out. It seem unfair to smash screens. You could give them to people. Instead of smashing them, unscrew them and give them to a homeless person. I don't know what a homeless person would do with one. But you get my point. And you can't unscrew them, they're bolted in. But - just stop it!

There should be a portal device on that podium over there. I can't see it though. Maybe it fell off. Do you want to go and have a quick look?
Whoah! Hello? Can you see the portal gun? Also, are you alive? That's important; should have asked that first. I'm - do you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to work on the assumption that you're still alive, and I'm just going to wait for you up ahead. I'll wait - I'll wait one hour. Then I'll come back, and, assuming I can locate your dead body, I'll bury you. All right? Brilliant! Go, team! See you in an hour! Hopefully! If you're not - dead.

I've got some advice about getting covered in the propulsion gel.... do not get covered in the propulsion gel.

Oh. Hi. So. How are you holding up? BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.

claps slowly three times

Oh, good. My slow-clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that. Since it doesn't look like we're going anywhere - Well, we are going somewhere. Alarmingly fast, actually. - but since we're not busy other than that, here's a couple of facts: he's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility.

clap, clap

Good, that's still working. Hey, just in case this pit isn't actually bottomless, do you think maybe you could unstrap one of those long-fall boots of yours and shove me into it? Just remember to land on one foot...