I want to wake up beside a handsome virgin every morning, but life doesn't give us what we want.

YES! OH GOODNESS YES! I am a good dog… Fantastic stuff.

I love this time of year. The dickheads start popping up.

Enjoy myself? There's a worm in my brain, I'm surrounded by idiots, and all I've got to drink is wine that tastes like vinegar.

It’s been seven years since I left. It’s no paradise - but it’s home. And it’s worth saving.