Dimitri Rascalov: I want to buy you a present.
Niko: Will you wrap it up and put a pretty bow on it?

I have been to the other side. I have been there and it's incredible. They have flying elephants. They have men made out of chocolate. They have pizzas as big as the city. They have a prize for the a person with the biggest heart, not the biggest wallet.

I see you are taking a break from romancing every animal in the zoo to abuse the generosity of your cousin.

Brucie: Nicky, we gotta get serious.
Niko: All right man. If you want my advice, the only way you're going to get your balls back to normal is if you stop juicing or get implants.

You can't shake no hands when ye fist be clenched.