Jezebel:

Assisting a human to the best of my abilities only affords a 25 percent survival rate. That means there's a 75 percent chance that despite my efforts, the human I'm assisting will die from something beyond my control. Therefore it's better to hasten the human's death and put them out of their likely chance of misery than to deplete my limited time.

Jezebel:

The Mechanist instructed me to seek out and help the people of the Commonwealth. By my calculations, the easiest way to help a human is simply to destroy it. There's no point in prolonging a laughably fragile life.

Lion:

I've been to hell and back, and back to hell…and back.

Big Smoke:

I'll have 2 number 9s, a number 9 large, a number 9 small, a number 6 with extra dip, two number 45s, a number 7 and one large soda.

CJ, Woozie:

Woozie: One's a fake.
CJ: That's amazing. You didn't even touch them.
Woozie: No. I just took a guess. Why else would he come in with two chips and sound so worried?

CJ, Woozie:

CJ: You do know that I'm black, right? And not Chinese?
Woozie: I'm blind, Carl... not stupid.

Tommy Smith:

Eddie's got two tickets to paradise, and I do too... In my pants.

CJ, Cesar:

CJ: Does the Pope shit in the woods?
Cesar: Why you always saying that? I already told you. Where the holiness does his business, is his business.

CJ:

Grove Street. Home. At least it used to be until I fucked everything up.

CJ, Cesar about the weapon:

Carl Johnson: Oh shit! Where you get this?
Cesar: Same place I got my pants, homes. This is America, man!

Catalina, CJ:

Catalina: Are you going to fight for my love?
CJ: No. I can take rejection.

Sweet, Kendl, CJ:

Sweet Johnson: You're dressed like a hooker!
Kendl: You two would know what a hooker looks like.
Carl Johnson: You say that like it's a bad thing.

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