Dr. Isiah Friedlander: Your son, James. He's a good kid?
Michael De Santa: He's a good kid? A good kid? Why? Does he help the fucking poor? No. He sits on his ass all day, smoking dope and jerking off while he plays that fucking game. If that's our standard for goodness... then no wonder this country's screwed.

Cave Johnson: Greetings, friend. I'm Cave Johnson, CEO of Aperture Science. You might know us as a vital participant in the 1968 senate hearings on missing astronauts. And you've most likely used one of the many products we invented - but that other people have somehow managed to steal from us. Black Mesa can eat my bankrupt-...

Caroline: Sir, the testing?

Cave Johnson: Right. Now, you might be asking yourself, "Cave, just how difficult are these tests? What was in that phonebook of a contract I signed? Am I in danger?" Let me answer those questions with a question. Who wants to make sixty dollars? Cash. You can also feel free to relax for up to twenty minutes in the waiting room, which is a damn sight more comfortable than the park benches most of you were sleeping on when we found you. So! Welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best, and you're it. Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face.

Dr. Isaac Kleiner: We can't leave without Lamarr. She's around here somewhere...
Alyx Vance: Come on, Dr. Kleiner. We can find you another pet headcrab.
Dr. Isaac Kleiner: No! There's only one Hedy!

Dr. Eli Vance: A-hem! Alyx, why don't you take Gordon along and give him some practice with the Gravity Gun?
Alyx Vance: Sure. C'mon, Gordon. Let's go have some fun.
Dr. Judith Mossman: The Zero Point Energy Field Manipulator is not a toy, Alyx.
Alyx Vance: Ugh, let's get outta here.

Player: No machine should have free will.
Nick Valentine: Why? You jealous you had to turn yours in?

Trevor: I asked for a fair day's pay for a fair day's work. Well, he kinda got a little angry. So, I admit, I kinda got a little angry too.
Michael: Did you kill him?
Trevor: What kinda fucking animal do you take me for? No, I didn't kill him!

Michael sighs with relief

Trevor: But I did kidnap his wife.

Trevor: Well, hello there beautiful. Here, (hands over money) go buy yourself something nice.
Aunt: This is seven dollars?!?!
Trevor: I said something nice, not something expensive…!

Dom: Did you hear that? What the hell’s that sound?
Marcus: It’s just the wind.
Dom: Yeah, right. When was the last time the wind said 'hostiles' to you?

Frank: Jenkins is your lead, right? Is he what everyone says he is?
V: What's everyone say about Jenkins?
Frank: That he's effective. Like any psychopath. Apparently, he's gone a little crazier lately.

Michael: Well, I had to. To protect you.
Jimmy: Yeah, keep telling yourself that, when you see their faces every time you close your eyes. Here we are. The bike rental place. Please don't shoot the bike rental guy out of, like, force of habit.

Look at me. I'm cranked on speed most of the time, but I'm productivity personified.

Michael: I'm trying to relate to you.
Jimmy: No, you're trying to take me on some nostalgia trip. You're such a cliche.
Michael: Oh! says the dope-smoking, game-playing, live-at-home, world-owes-him-a-living millennial.

The FIB? Do I look homosexual? Do you think I care about the size of your Johnson? Now... you can't always tell who the good guys are. I'm not a good guy. But I'm fighting with them, and guess what? So are you.

Lester: It's hard to get motivated on a job without financial incentive.
Michael: You can't put a price on freedom.