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Like, the other day, he posts this picture of his newborn, and I'm all like "Damn, son. That right there is one ugly-ass motherfucker of a baby." And I'm all like "My balls is prettier than that baby", and then I sent him a picture of my balls. "I seen roadkill prettier than that baby. What the hell is wrong with your baby?" And he's all like "Actually, there's a problem with its chromosomes," or something, and it's actually a miracle it survived birth. And I'm all like "It's actually a miracle I survived seeing a picture of its ugly..."
Lester: It's hard to get motivated on a job without financial incentive.
Michael: You can't put a price on freedom.
Trevor: You know what truckers do?
Lamar: Cut up women and get other dudes to jack 'em off?
Lamar: Homie, for a dude that kills dudes and eats dudes and fuck dudes, you talk fruity.
Trevor: It's unconfirmed.
Lamar: What's unconfirmed? The fact that you talk stupid? Or the fact, that you do some messed up shit?
Michael: I'm trying to relate to you.
Jimmy: No, you're trying to take me on some nostalgia trip. You're such a cliche.
Michael: Oh! says the dope-smoking, game-playing, live-at-home, world-owes-him-a-living millennial.
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Look at me. I'm cranked on speed most of the time, but I'm productivity personified.
Michael: Well, I had to. To protect you.
Jimmy: Yeah, keep telling yourself that, when you see their faces every time you close your eyes. Here we are. The bike rental place. Please don't shoot the bike rental guy out of, like, force of habit.
Jimmy De Santa: Hey, let's bounce.
Michael De Santa: Bounce? We're bouncing now? Is that what we're doing? Jesus fucking Christ.
Dr. Isiah Friedlander: Your son, James. He's a good kid?
Michael De Santa: He's a good kid? A good kid? Why? Does he help the fucking poor? No. He sits on his ass all day, smoking dope and jerking off while he plays that fucking game. If that's our standard for goodness... then no wonder this country's screwed.
Amanda De Santa: Get a center, Michael. You have no center.
Michael: How about you suck my cock?
Michael: Alright... the fuck is this bullshit? We handled your little immigration problem or whatever the fuck it was. We're straight.
Steve Haines: Oh absolutely... yeah, yeah. You killed people, you tortured people, committed a litany of other crimes... Oh we're so straight you and me, we're arrows.