Hey, hey, you gotta listen to me, you gotta hear me, are you listening? It's not real man! It's a lie, it's all lies. The government lies to us. They put robots in the drinking water, they put spies in the toilets - to watch us! You think it's a joke, the joke's on you, they're killing you! You are being harvested by a marketing machine! You're not free, you're slaves! Freedom is a lie! They use drugs to control you, they did it to me for a long time. You need love! I need you, you need me, I love you! Love me back!

This town is startin' to make me angry; angry and alone. And broke. Man, it's expensive to live here! Time for some commercials to refill the coffers. I've got a yoga bill like a motherfucker!

Brucie: Nicky, we gotta get serious.
Niko: All right man. If you want my advice, the only way you're going to get your balls back to normal is if you stop juicing or get implants.

United Liberty Paper: You think I don't know that? You think I've been sitting around scratching my balls with my head up my ass?
Niko: I'd be impressed if you had been.

Patrick McReary: What do ya think of Niko, Gracie?
Gracie Ancelotti: Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.
Patrick McReary: Gracie, you're sweet.

Dimitri Rascalov: I want to buy you a present.
Niko: Will you wrap it up and put a pretty bow on it?

I see you are taking a break from romancing every animal in the zoo to abuse the generosity of your cousin.

Doctor: Did they die of natural causes?
Niko Bellic: I suppose... A bullet in the head is as close to natural causes as anything in this city.

I suck at life, but I bowl like an angel.

You know, if there is one thing that I have learned, it is that we must obey the rules of the game. We can pick the game, Niko Bellic. But we cannot change the rules.

Gordon Sargent: So you're in, big guy? Or are we gonna have to kill ya?
Niko Bellic: Well, since you put it that way... I'm in.

Elizabeta: Everyone's a rat!
Niko: Not me.

War is when the young and stupid are tricked by the old and bitter into killing each other.

Jimmy De Santa: Hey, let's bounce.
Michael De Santa: Bounce? We're bouncing now? Is that what we're doing? Jesus fucking Christ.

Dr. Isiah Friedlander: Your son, James. He's a good kid?
Michael De Santa: He's a good kid? A good kid? Why? Does he help the fucking poor? No. He sits on his ass all day, smoking dope and jerking off while he plays that fucking game. If that's our standard for goodness... then no wonder this country's screwed.