Now go! I need to meditate. Or masturbate. Or both.

I’m not stoned at all. Hell no, not at all. Completely not stoned. I’m completely not stoned. I’m straight. Completely straight. I could do anything. Shitt, I could be a brain surgeon. Brain surgery, I could do that. Uhh, I shoulda been a surgeon. That’s what I shoulda been…

Maybe if you got rid of that old Yee-Yee ass haircut you got you’d get some bitches on your dick.

She looks like a bloodhound in front of a wind mill.

You look like you struggle with simple tasks.

Redwood Cigarettes: great for when you're resting in the hospital, playing tennis, or jogging.

Yoga unifies the mind and body while freeing you from the limitations of dignity and self-respect. It's a work out, a philosophy, and a metaphor all rolled into one. It is everything. It is nothing. Be. Be nothing.

Stop it! You're ruining my yoga!

Have you read the manual for this thing?

It was crazy as hell. He must've been tweaking. I know I am. You got a washing machine I could take apart?

Chinese people – who wants to get killed in our movie?

All these science spheres are made of asbestos by the way, keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breathe, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping, because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos.

How about I read you a story? Once upon a time there were three little pigs. I'm emphasising the past tense because they all died. Just like you will. I really like the story.

Ladies and gentlemen! This is your moment! Please don't make me ruin all the great work your plastic surgeons have been doing!

Michael: Surviving is winning, Franklin, everything else is bullshit. Fairy tales spun by people too afraid to look life in the eye. Whatever it takes, kid: survive.
Franklin: Damn straight.